He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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