Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
