I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
