you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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