i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
