Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
