omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
