She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
