he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
