I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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