I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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