i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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