I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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