fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
