so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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