She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
