I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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