Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
