Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
