apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
