You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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