I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Say something about gay babies.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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