The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
