nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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