I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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