I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
