you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
