ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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