You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
