my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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