batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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