I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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