is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
