I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
