I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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