ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
