I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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