it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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