it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
