Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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