dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
