oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
