who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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