I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
