you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
