The maid of honor just puked.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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