I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
