She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
