I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
