I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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