I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
