He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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