now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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