i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
