I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize