god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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