the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
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